Last night I was crying out to the Lord for help, pleading with Him to not delay. One man’s comment, at church, about keeping the old man alive –not letting him die was like a goad in my side. The Lord has continued to expand on that; I find myself undone before the Lord with no human strength to continue. I can find no refuge. Worship has lost it’s appeal; there is a chasm between me and the Lord. I feel like an ant being followed by the focused beam of a magnifying glass. There is no rest. I feel I am once again at the point where the Lord is saying, “Choose this day whom you will serve.”1 This seems to be an all or nothing moment which reminds me of the disciples response, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.”2 The seriousness of the moment reminds me of Jesus’ statement, “No-one who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”3 Is this not evidence that He is calling me to service, is He not offering me the desire of my heart, why am I resisting? What worldly things hold so much valuable in my mind that I won’t let them go? Am I the monkey with his hand in the jar held bound by what he’s not willing to let go of?
My Prayer: God, please help me. Give me your grace to let go of everything that is not you. I don’t want to be defined by the things of this world, I want my identity to be in You, Jesus. God, You have searched me, You know what stands in the way, please give me revelation and the grace to overcome. I am lost with out You. This is so much bigger than me, I know I am unable to accomplish what You have set before me.4 I am fearful of failure and fearful of rejection. Forgive me for setting myself up as an idol by trusting in myself. Forgive me for not trusting You, for not receiving Your love to the fullest. In the name of Jesus, I renounce fear and it’s hold on me. I receive Your love, Your mercy and Your grace to overcome. I proclaim Your lordship over my life and submit to You. Teach me to wait on You, Lord.5 Let the overflow of my heart be obedience to You, that I would be made perfect in love. I desire that You, Lord Jesus, and I would be one; like You and the Father are one.6 That where You go I go, what You say I say, that I might enter into Your rest. Father God, thank you for not consuming me, but in Your mercy, Your compassion and Your grace expressed in Your Son Jesus and through Your Holy Spirit revealing to me what stands in the way between me and You. Thank you for helping me from Glory to Glory that Your name will be greatly praised!7
Onward: I continue to travail. This hardened heart of mine is preventing me from fully embracing the Lord and the kingdom of heaven. I trust that God is working and preparing me during this time of unrest. I find myself disconnected from everything going on around me. Is this a time of purification so the dross will rise to the surface to be ladled off by the Lord?8 My stubbornness prolongs my travail. Is He stirring things in the depth of my soul to set me free?9 When I see them on the surface will I let them go? Have I already removed my hand from the plow? I still have hope although despair is at the door. Is He not the one illuminating my failures because He desires to cover them with His love?10 11 Did He not say that if I confess my sins He is faithful to forgive them?12 My resistance is buffeting me, causing the turbulence of unrest.13 Why am I so stubborn? Where does it come from? When will I say enough and agree with Him?